Lebola: When the bride's family, normally her mother and father, request certain items from the groom's parents in exchange for their daughter. The items that are normally asked for are things like money and livestock, but they can literally ask for anything. The groom's parents cannot refuse otherwise their son may not marry whom he wishes to marry.
This concept is completely foreign to me, however I am starting to learn the effect that a lebola has on marriage, xhosa culture, and life in general. Last week one of my coworkers asked me if I wanted to get married. I responded yes, in the right circumstance I would love to be married and spend the rest of my life with someone who loves and cares for me the way I love and care for them. Nonchalantly, I asked when they wanted to get married-believing this was the natural course of any back and forth "marriage" conversation. I thought everyone would be excited to get married, maybe not in this time of their life, but definitely in the future. However, this was not the case. She said that she would never want to get married because her life would completely change. She would no longer have any power in the relationship. If there were any disagreements in the relationship the husband would point to the lebola as a sign for her to submit to his authority. In marriage, a lebola basically signifies "ownership" of the woman by the man (1). Also, there seems to be a double standard in relationships. If a man cheats, everything is hush hush. However, if a woman cheats in a relationship she might as well start walking off the plank into the waters of public disgrace.
Further into the discussion two other coworkers chimed in on their own personal perspectives. One believed that if she were to get married she would demand a lebola because it is a significant part of her culture. How could a husband love her if he did not respect her family and culture by paying a lebola? The last staff member said that she would love to get married, but would not allow her husband to pay a lebola because she did not want him to own her, but love her for who she is. The topic lead to three disparate and unique opinions.
What gave this topic piquancy for me is during the past five weeks the community group with the local church that I attend has been going through a new series called Real Marriage. The series is based on a book written by Mark Driscoll and his wife. Mark is a pastor at Mars Hill Church and wanted to write the book to better help Christians understand the gospel view of how marriage is intended. The course has painted a beautiful picture of marriage and how a man should love a woman like Jesus loved the church and ultimately marriage strives to be more like Christ.
After listening to my coworkers describe marriage, I felt the beautiful picture I had visualized had become marred with black paint and I could not see how seemingly in-commensurable worlds could join together. However, I began to explain to my coworkers my views on what I believed marriage should look like: a covenant not a contract. A covenant between two people who deeply love each other and would serve and submit to each other with cheerful hearts. Nonetheless, I also believe that marriage brings two sinners together, which can lead to a lot of hardship and pain and scare off many people. However, because the covenant is not only between two people but also with God, the sin that they share (and we all share, married or single) has been paid on the cross, so we are not fighting a losing battle!
Honestly, I was not bold enough to truly present the gospel in the way I have just written, but all three staff members said if marriage looked like similar to what I had described, they would want to get married. Pretty cool stuff! Getting back to the contract vs. covenant conversation--it seems that recent statistics in the US seem to show that americans view marriage as a contract. Papers are signed, however if someone is not content in their marriage they can easily "cancel" the contract which ends in divorce. Whereas in South Africa, due to the high financial cost of a lebola many people cannot afford to divorce and re-marry like you could in the US.
I have been in South Africa for just over three months now and have really gotten to know my coworkers, but I think this was the first time that I got a perspective on their culture you can only see by living here. I feel honored that they are able to open up about these topics and that we can share and discuss our views on the world!
(1) This is the opinion of my coworker and cannot be generalized to all xhosa marriages that have a lebola.
is that the same field we played on?
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